Thursday - June 5

So the point of all of this was to help us understand more about ourselves as leaders. We each lead an activity, each had a chance to stand in front of the others and guide. I found it interesting - hearing what they had to say about me, seeing what others said about each other. I'm not really, well, compassionate at work. I'm there to do a job dammit, not head a social event. But if I'm to stay with the firm, I'm going to need to get there. Thursday evening, rolled through pictures and videos of the days, Tobias' odd (to me) techno thumping in the background. Dinner at Cabo Wabo down the street, shots, dancing, but early bed with a 3 am wake up call. Flying back, thinking about my next move, and James, ready to leap.

Wednesday - June 4

The day I'd been looking forward to. We're all tired but charged. Let me first say, heights scare me to death. The living crap out of me. Palms sweat at the thought. Terrified. Get it? First task, build a Tyrolean rope bridge (look it up sweethearts) across a river, probably 60 feet above, small rapids, lots of rocks. Took for freaking ever, running from one side to the other, trying to figure out the knots, pretty frightening to think that this thing was supposed to support our weight, suspended over the river and rocks. We did it, with the gracious and extensive help of our guides Glenn and Tobias. We worked frantically, then launched Siranoush, me and Imran across, triumphant and laughing our asses off. Then a mental game, pieces of paper passed around, clues on each, we had to figure out which farmer drove a truck. Smart cookies that we are, we finished in 15 minutes. Then the thing I wanted and feared, repelling. The scene was magnificent, waterfall into Lake Tahoe to our right, snow-capped mountains behind. I was afraid for a moment, then let it go as I watched the team one by one go over the edge and down to the ledge below. When my time came, I felt - nothing. No fear, no excitement, just ready to get it done, the ritual, the mechanics. Finally, there was building a natural protection for an egg that was dropped from 5 meters and singing our team "song". Our egg, sadly, did not come away intact. The song, however, was a triumph, the whole team choreographed and flapping away to Becca's lyrics.

Tuesday - June 3

First day with Outward Bound, everyone is quiet and pensive, some more than a little hung over. Nervous chatter, a group of profound type-A's out of our element. Lot's of touchy-feely "be the pinecone" stuff in the beginning. Bunch of exercises, most harder than they sounded. Webbing strung between trees, we had to walk on it from tree to tree like tight-wire walkers. Then creating two overlapping squares from ropes while blindfolded. My exercise to lead, run from a starting point to a roped-in area with numbers 1-30 randomly scattered, we had to touch all numbers and run back, no talking, in 30 seconds. Then we were a herd of blindfolded sheep with a wordless, paralyzed shepherd, trying to herd us into an imaginary pen, my favoriate, releasing myself behind my blindfold, laughing hysterically, learning later than everyone was in the same state. Finally, we went to the beach, where we found lumber, rope, deflated pontoons, our tools for building a raft that 5 of us would paddle into Lake Tahoe, picking up three bouys, return to shore, dissassemble the raft, our downfall. With two guys on the team tipping the scale at about 240, we lashed the hell out of that thing, took us a long freaking time to take it apart. Dinner with the team, wth next day's activities set up for us while we ate. We planned late into the night, the pressure to perform continuous, pushing my resentment to the surface.

Monday - June 2

Class work, lots of rhetoric about how to behave, how to manage, what we're supposed to say, who we're supposed to be at the firm. I'm turning over in my head how I'm treated vs. how I'm being told to treat others. Talk, talk, talk, it doesn't mean much. We're all pulled away from the training for work, all distracted, all seem to be wondering what to do next, why to stay. If I stay, I'm committing to partner. If I go, I want my life to be different. Everyday, get out of my comfort zone. Later I'm teamed up - Siranoush, a constant source of inspiration, Imran, Jet, Thornton, Anurag and Rebecca. A strange and unusual mixture, people who I will learn to literally trust with my life.

Sunday - June 1

Flying today, JFK-Pheonix-Reno, then an hour's drive to Lake Tahoe, windows down, air cool, suddenly surrounded by snow-capped mountains. I'm astonished at how beautiful it is here, but can't appreciate it. I'm here for work, training, and I'm anxious, riding with Siranoush, Vikas, Fernando, Boaz and Bryce, who all know each other. I'm older, newer to the firm, less secure in why I'm here. I just breath in the thin air, trying to take it all in. Dinner later with the beginnings of the rest of the group. Drank too much, ate too much, head spinning in the high altititude, tossed all night, my body rebelling as it adjusts to the mountains.